Preface (Written after this post was completed):
One of my favourite courses in undergrad was Peer Mentoring and Collaborative Learning, which I took as an elective and ended up spending more time on than some of my core classes. That class really focused on the importance of critical reflection, and helped me improve my reflective writing. I genuinely don’t think I would dedicate as much time as I do to writing blog posts if I hadn’t learned how valuable reflection can be as a learner. However, I forgot how reflective writing can reveal stuff about yourself that you couldn’t quite articulate before and completely changes the trajectory of a written piece. That is exactly what happened here. Usually, I write bits and pieces of posts at different times, cutting and pasting stuff around until it flows together nicely. This is the first post I wrote from start to finish in one sitting. And so, even though I really wanted to write a post that was more about the experience of law school than my current emotions, I ended up pulling out something important through writing this. I would promise more stuff about law school proper is on its way, but who knows. I am trying, y'all.
Please enjoy and let me know what you think!
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When people ask me how law school is going, my response is almost always “good”. And that is true. I am enjoying my classes and my readings. I’ve made a few good friends. I am finding some direction for the types of things I might be interested in doing this summer (admittedly, I still have absolutely no idea about what I’d like to do after law school, but I think that’s a pretty normal feeling 2 months in). But frustratingly, I have no real metric of determining whether or not I’m doing “well” academically. I spend time reading and briefing cases every night, I show up to class every day, and I write more notes based on the class discussion. But I still have no idea if I’m grasping what I’m supposed to be grasping.
Sometimes we do in-class problems, where we follow a given framework to apply the principles from a variety of cases to a new set of facts. These problems are similar to what we will see on our exams in December. And working collaboratively with others, I end up with a fine answer most of the time. Sometimes I struggle with these problems because I get caught up on a specific detail in the facts and spend too much time debating its importance with a classmate, so we don’t get through our full analysis in the time given. There is still a lot of time before our formal exams to hone these skills, especially given that in most classes, we are only just getting to the point where we have enough knowledge to do a significant problem analysis.
I can feel a bit panicked after working on problems because other people point out key things that I would have missed if I had been working alone. That makes me feel like I am not actually doing well and that I am lagging in my learning. But I also know that the point of working collaboratively is to fill gaps in learning early and easily so that they aren’t missed in higher-stakes situations (such as exams). And I know that it goes both ways and that I have helped my peers find spots where they were missing something. These classes are good for giving me some idea as to what type of thought process is important for succeeding on law school exams, but I still feel pretty unsure about my methods of reading/briefing/note-taking.
I am truly grateful for my Legislation professor giving optional homework assignments a few times so we could get feedback on how our drafting skills were developing. Does that make me a giant nerd? Probably. But getting back a paper, marked up to show me all of my mistakes, gives me some direction for the future. Without some type of formative feedback, I feel like I stick with the same learning methods, which may or may not be actually helpful to me. It terrifies me to think that in December, I could find myself in a panic, struggling to get through practice exams, or even actual exams, because my techniques were not effective. Am I overthinking this a lot? Probably. After all, in most lectures, I can follow along with the discussion pretty well. And on the days where I do feel a little lost, enough other people ask clarifying questions for me to know that I am not alone in that feeling.
I think most of this overthinking is rooted in my desire to do really really well grades-wise in law school. I know that everyone also wants to get good grades. After all, we got in to law school because we had good GPAs in our undergraduate degrees. But for me, it feels like grades are my only remaining opportunity to have something that makes me “stand out” as a law student.
In a room full of brilliant and amazing people, it is so easy to feel like you have nothing to offer. I have found myself feeling that way more than a few times, despite my attempts to maintain self-compassion. But it seems like a lot of people have found their “spot” in law school, whereas I am still figuring mine out. There are first-year students who have already taken on leadership roles in clubs and organizations, those are excelling in Student Legal Assistance and have already made a bunch of court appearances, those have already found an area of law that they love and are building a network in that area, and those who think really deeply about law and can have insightful and in-depth discussions with professors. And so far, I have none of those things. I am taking a little longer to find where I am going to excel in this new world. And since it feels like everything else is taken, I really want my “thing” to be good grades.
I know that I can’t be alone in feeling this way, and that a lot of students who I might think are doing great could also still be feeling out of place in law school. I also don’t think that not finding my place in the first two months of school means I shouldn’t be here or that it was a mistake to choose law school. In fact, I know I felt this way in my undergrad degree too. It was a little bit different, because I knew I was being successful academically early on in my chemistry classes, and I knew that I was studying and reviewing way more than any of my close friends in order to get there. But in my undergrad, I chose to do things that sounded interesting and fun to me, not things that I thought would make me stand out above other students. Over time, they evolved to allow me other, bigger opportunities that did distinguish me from other students, simply because they were unique. For example, the Swing Dance Club needed a new resource manager, and since I loved the dance classes so much, I took on the role. That ended up leading to me being president of the club for two years. In another case, I heard about an opportunity to be a peer mentor in first year chemistry classes for credit, and I pursued it because I really enjoy teaching. It ended up leading to me getting to independently teach chemistry tutorials, become a leader to other students who wanted to be peer mentors, and do a qualitative research study, which is one of the projects I am most proud of from my degree (even though it was not related to chemistry at all).
I didn’t do a single one of those things in my first semester of university, or even in my first year. I needed that time to gain some confidence and get comfortable in my new environment. Most of my “big” stuff didn’t happen until my fourth year. I worked hard to get good grades throughout my degree, but I didn’t worry about not being special if I didn’t have them. I didn’t worry about falling behind everyone else in terms of achievement. I think I need to get myself back to that attitude for law school. New opportunities come up all the time and I will find the ones that excite and engage me. I don’t need to put so much pressure on myself to be a top student in order to stand out. I will forge my own unique way of being a law student, and then an articling student, and then a lawyer. I don’t know what that’s going to look like yet, and that’s okay. I certainly hope that it involves having higher-than-average grades, and I am going to continue to put in the work to achieve them. But I know that even if I find my grades in the middle of the bell curve, that doesn’t destroy my identity or my potential as a law student.
It is easy to forget that it really has only been two months. It feels like so much longer, since so much has happened already. Everyone has calmed down a lot, and things that we put so much energy and worry into during the first few weeks are now a part of our routine. Some people have settled into their niche and are already making a name for themselves both in the law school and the broader legal community. Some of us are taking our time. There is no right or wrong way to do it (at least, I don't think there is). There is still so much law school left and so many doors to open. In fact, most of these doors are down a hallway that I have yet to walk down. The only thing to do is to keep moving forward.
So, I don’t know how I am doing in law school. But I know that I am doing. I am working hard, I am thinking hard, and I am remaining open-minded. And in doing those things, I will find a place for myself. Or, even better, I will make a place for myself.
Current Mood: Me, about most things. But it is okay.
Current Soundtrack: A song that builds in its hopefulness, not unlike this post.
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